Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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