my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize