Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Can I color on your dick again?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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