My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
