Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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