Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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