are you still at the devil's house?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
