I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize