I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
