The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
