Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize