i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
