How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
