I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The uberlube is also flammable
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
