Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
