Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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