And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize