I'm going to jail i love you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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