im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize