I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
