and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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