As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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