meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
