Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
