for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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