and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
