tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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