I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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