I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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