Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
