I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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