as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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