hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
