Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
