I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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