I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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