oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
