we're blogging at a bar
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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