we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
