There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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