I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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