So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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