I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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