I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
