Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
