Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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