I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
