forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
