I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize