this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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