My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
