Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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