so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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