Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
