Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
