If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
