it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
