I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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