Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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