we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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