After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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