he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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